We’re Americans. We all have way, way, way too much stuff. I point the finger (middle one) at Amazon Prime and Black Friday and TJ Maxx and Grandma and all the rest. Fuck you all.
You have four options for this mountain of shit. The first one is to throw stuff away. There’s no need to linger on that, because there isn’t much to say. The others merit discussion.
You’ll likely look at your belongings and say: “I could sell this, but I like it.” And that’s foolish, because of course you like your stuff. That’s why you made it your stuff in the first place.
Someone else might like it too, and that means you can sell it. Not all of it obviously, but accept the fact that things you like are going to leave your life. You think it’s going to be hard. It’s not, and you’ll be glad you did it.
I play a little mind game to help me cope that you can do too. Take something you like a lot — a credenza from White on White, for example — and imagine what it could fetch on Craigslist. Let’s say that number is $700. Now parse that out into nights at a hostel. Those average about $50 in Europe, so right there your credenza is two weeks in Milan, Florence and Rome. Calculate it other ways too. That’s three months of morning coffee, 30 decent meals, six sleazy massages in Berlin or 12 in Phnom Penh.
You clearly know how to do this — or at least I hope you do. There’s a little twist you should be aware of though.
If you’re only working a partial year before you leave, give as much away as possible before the end of the last full year you’re employed. Why? Because charitable deductions are shaved off the top of your income that’s taxed at the highest rate.
Let’s say you plan to embark on your travels in mid-2028, and for easy math let’s say you have $100k of taxable income for working in 2021. If you donate $5k to charity before January 1, 2028, you deduct $5k of income that’d be taxed at 25-percent. On federal taxes alone, you save $1,250.
If you make that same $5k charitable donation after January 1, you’ll still shave 5k off your taxable income, only now you’ll be deducting income that would’ve been taxed one bracket down, 15-percent, specifically. The deduction will now be worth a mere $750, for a difference of $500.
This means you could drop off a trunk load of stuff at Goodwill on New Year’s Eve, buy a bottle of Dom Perignon and still be ahead of the fool who dropped their donation the next day. The lesson here is simple. Make charitable donations in the last full year before you leave.
Packing things up for a few months is easy. Packing them up for longer is tricky. This is not the same as packing to move from one home to another. This is long-term storage. You have to do some things differently.
The primary consideration is of course where to put everything, and I discuss that in depth here. Regardless where you store things, here are some special considerations for how.
Remove disposable batteries from everything. They’ll rot before you return. Anything with a rechargeable battery should be charged to full and switched completely off before you pack it.
These sneaky fuckers and their eggs can survive like post-apocalyptic cockroaches. Have everything with wool or cashmere professionally cleaned or vigorously steam them yourself. Then fumigate them with a fabric-safe spray and pack them into airtight bags.
Did you know rodents hate the smell of dryer sheets? It’s true. Before you stash away your stuff into an storage unit that might allow for mice or other such critters inside, drop dryer sheets (lots of them) all over.
Anything that might carry lingering odors of food should be washed, sanitized and packed in something airtight as well. This means Tupperware, cutting boards, dry storage jars, cast iron cookware and more.
Generally speaking, clean everything better than you ever have before. Scrub the bottoms of shoes and wash the winter coats you don’t think are dirty. Clean your spice rack, your potholders, your lampshades, your everything. Polish anything silver and rub down leather with a little mink oil. Storage facilities are kept nice and dry for obvious reasons, so give those fancy jackets and shoes a little moisture before you kiss them goodbye.
If you leave yours with someone, make sure they understand basic care and access to a good mechanic. Give them the cash to cover the routine maintenance (plus a little). You don’t want to find out they skipped the oil changes because JiffyLube costs $10 more than you gave them.
Also, agree upon who will pay for major repairs. A blown head gasket or anything unrelated to usage should probably fall on you. A broken axle or body damage should probably fall on them.
If property taxes, licensing or inspections will occur while you’re away, make sure they have the money to cover them and verify they legally can do it for you without their name appearing on the title.
If you love your car and don’t have a loved one who will regularly take it for a spin, you can store it, but it’s not a simple process. Here are a bunch of random, important thoughts in bullets. Read them all.
Remove disposable batteries from everything. They’ll rot before you return. Anything with a rechargeable battery should be charged to full and switched completely off before you pack it.
If this doesn’t spook you great. If it does and you want to skip some steps, talk to a mechanic, and ask for a list of the steps. Then ask yourself again how much you really love and want to keep your car.
Should you decide to sell it, don’t look at that lump sum of money as cash for travel. Unless you plan to live in a walkable city when you return, you’ll need to have wheels, so you’ll need that money to get a new ride. Set it aside.
Six weeks before I left, I packed a small wardrobe in a suitcase to be left by the entrance of my storage unit. Inside I neatly folded about two dozen shirts, my favorite pants, jeans and shorts, a suit, a couple ties, my swimsuit and beach towel, a set of linens, some basic toiletries and other items I’d need right when I got home. I suggest you do the same.
Having all these things ready gives you the option to spend your first months back home wherever you want without having to go through three dozen boxes (which by this point will undoubtedly be buried under other boxes) and piece together a provisional wardrobe. The last thing you’re going to want to do when you return is move, but you’ll still want to live like a normal human.
Young people never seem to pay mortality the reverence it’s due. Why dwell on such a depressing topic when you can make light of it and prolong youthful delusions, eh?
Right before I left, I had a warped conversation with a friend no one should admit to having. In it, he asked whose funerals I would fly back for — a question I would condemn as totally fucked up except I’d already thought through an answer. It wasn’t a good one.
I was ready to fly home for the death of anyone in my family, any good friends, their close family members, or pretty much anyone who was still breathing when I left that stopped before I returned. I essentially drew the line at pets and plants. With his cold, guiding hand though, I devised a better plan.
Somewhere in there, I realized I needed a funerary outfit on standby. The next day, I had my black suit cleaned and hung it in my storage unit right beside the door above my freshly polished dress shoes.
It was still there when I got back, because everyone I knew was kind enough to carry on living until I returned. I’m nonetheless glad I did it though, because the last thing anyone wants when they’re grieving is to have to disassemble a tightly packed storage unit and hunt down the perfect outfit for burying a loved one.
Call me dark, but I suggest everyone do this. Planning for the inevitable is neither cynical nor grim, it’s just life. Er, death.
My privacy policy is simple: I don’t share your information.
Yea, it’s just a name, email and nationality, but I’m sure there are people who would pay for it. My thoughts on that: fuck those people and fuck those fuckers who sell personal information to them. You’ll find none of that monkey business here.
If I get hacked and your info get stolen, I’ll shoot you a note to let you know. I don’t deal in passwords, credit cards or anything like that though, so there’s almost nothing for anyone to take.
To see the full privacy policy — it’s pretty boring and cost me a lot of money — you can follow the link at the bottom of the page or in the confirmation email.
Domestic American air travel is a racket run by three major companies and a few smaller ones who effectively collude on prices to screw passengers and support their bloated executives and corporate structures.
Even regional jets, which are technically independent, are fucking death traps that I literally never, ever fly.
It’s not this way in other countries, because most people are sensible and see transportation as akin to a public utility. It’s therefore common to find flights on foreign carriers for under $100. I frequently see fares less $50.
Booking far in advance is therefore unnecessary, except of course in places where tickets sell out. Avoid the temptation to book months or weeks out if you’re just trying to save money. Not only will doing so lock you into dates you might regret, you may end up paying. Why? Booking sites now sniff for your computer’s location and display higher prices for foreigners.
Rude, right? Blame the mirror. We invented that.
First, some bad news for most Americans: automatic transmissions are as rare overseas as manuals are in the US. Unless you want to seriously overpay, make friends with someone who owns an old Miata and learn.
Second, anyone who wants to rent a car should obtain an international driver’s permit. This is easy — just 30 minutes at AAA.
When it’s time to rent, don’t get tempted by lower prices with small, local companies. Go with a big multi-national.
Understand your insurance situation through-and-through. Know the limits of your credit card’s automatic coverage and have a printout of the policy. If you can get a translated copy, even better. If you’re still in doubt after all that, just pay for their coverage.
Research the scams. Before you drive off the lot, walk around the vehicle and video record it. When you return the car, do the same. Also record yourself locking it and depositing the key in the night box if you return after hours.
If you get a notice from the rental company later saying you owe for damage or not returning the car, you can send them those videos with an E-vite to go get fucked. You might also copy tourist law enforcement, so they get fined to oblivion.
It’s tricky, but you need to basically study each country’s road laws and signs like you’re getting your student driver’s permit again. Most places have tricky rules, and they love to fine gringoes like us for violating them.
In Cyprus, for example, you can be fined for eating or drinking anything behind the wheel, even a Snickers. In Denmark, you’re legally required to look under your car before you get inside to ensure no one is underneath. In Spain, drivers with poor vision have to carry a spare set of glasses. Dirty cars are illegal in Russia, as is splashing pedestrians on a rainy day in Japan.
In some places, driving is really difficult. I pity any fool who tries to drive in Cairo. You can also very swiftly kill yourself on a German highway if you’re untrained. Driving at 120 MPH is far more complex than simply pressing the accelerator further.
Fare classes are highly inconsistent.
First class in one country is generally different to first class in any other. The same is true of second, third and so on. They vary wildly by country and system.
If it’s fiscally reasonable, I choose first for early mornings and overnights. They really are better, even just for security of your belongings.
The one time I settled for a second-class overnight, I had to physically fight a mouth-breathing Russian girl who was sweating vodka and wouldn’t stop burying her face into my lap to huff my underpants like Whip-Its. I wish I was making this up, but it’s true. I arrived sleepless, angry and ugly. It ruined my first day in Lisbon and I only had five. First class would have been worth the cost. Second class is my usual go-to. For shorter trips or anything after 9 a.m. I go second.
If I want an adventure, I go even lower. Some agents won’t sell those tickets to tourists though unless you insist.
Nomads and backpackers who don’t do the travel hacking thing usually buy cheap flights. Be careful of taking that too far.
For starters, you need to observe weight limits on baggage. In the US, no one gives a shit, but elsewhere they care. The care deeply. Never buy a ticket that forces you to pay weight overages.
Seats are also important, but not for comfort. I never take bulkhead or exit-row seats unless I pay for early boarding. Both offer less (or zero) under-seat storage, so being in a later boarding group puts you at risk of having nowhere to put your carry on — or as you’ll hear them called “cabin bags.”
I’ve even been on a flight where the attendant nearly made me check my personal item. I shut that down by threatening to create a scene and de-board, but I could have avoided it by paying $8 for priority boarding.
Countless people have asked if I used an around-the-world plane ticket for my first trip.
My simple response: Don’t ask dumb fucking questions. Also, no, I didn’t.
ATW tickets are nearly useless. They typically require you to book your stops in advance, so there’s too little flexibility. The fine print is also brutal and changes constantly.
Last time I researched them, the price was based on allotments of miles. The number of stops also changed the equation. All of them required you to choose a direction (east-to-west, for example) and none permitted travel in the reverse direction even slightly. Some airlines even insisted all departures had to occur from the same point as arrival, meaning if you traveled by land elsewhere, the airline penalized your mileage allotment.
I said airline there, but ATW tickets come come from a single carrier. Instead, you buy into an alliance, of which I believe there are still only three. Quite the lack of competition there.
ATW fares do lend themselves marvelously to itineraries where you go to a different city each month and make it the base from which you explore the region. This is something we’ll talk about later when we discuss hub-and-spoke travel.
If you have status with a particular airline, you may want to consider their ATW option — emphasis on ‘may’ — but be warned that flying everywhere robs you of some great experiences.
Domestic American air travel is a racket run by three major companies and a few smaller ones who effectively collude on prices to screw passengers and support their bloated executives and corporate structures.
Even regional jets, which are technically independent, are fucking death traps that I literally never, ever fly.
It’s not this way in other countries, because most people are sensible and see transportation as akin to a public utility. It’s therefore common to find flights on foreign carriers for under $100. I frequently see fares less $50.
Booking far in advance is therefore unnecessary, except of course in places where tickets sell out. Avoid the temptation to book months or weeks out if you’re just trying to save money. Not only will doing so lock you into dates you might regret, you may end up paying. Why? Booking sites now sniff for your computer’s location and display higher prices for foreigners.
Rude, right? Blame the mirror. We invented that.
The beauty of hub cities is the slow pace. How slow you take it will vary according to the number of side trips as well as your pace. If you commit to a month though, this introduces the possibility of renting an apartment. Even if you don’t plan to stay the full 30 days, apartment rental is generally very cheap. It can also make cooking easier, which also saves cash.
Cooking for yourself doesn’t have to mean eggs for breakfast and chicken dinners. You can dial up the adventure full throttle if you sign up for a greenmarket food tour and a cooking class right after you arrive. Not only will you know what to do with the local ingredients, you’ll eat better. Plus if you know what you’re doing, the vendors may screw you less, which will offset the price of the guide.
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