Hating on tours is like hating on New Jersey. Everyone does it because everyone does it, but no one really knows why they’re doing it.
Not that all gripes about New Jersey are meritless or simply fashionable. I’m just saying you have to know something to hate on it. And to be honest, there are a lot of great reasons to like Jersey; they all just happen to get canceled out by the hellishness of driving there.
Tours suffer from the same type of groupthink contempt, but they’re great. Like all things, they have nuances and vary greatly, so smart travelers would be wise to ignore the commonplace harping from the chorus of the uninformed.
Though there are plenty of types of tours I think outright suck, as a category, tours are a net positive. Some even tiptoe close to awesome.
Details make all the difference. Note that comfort didn’t make the list. The level of luxury you need or desire is an inherent part of any travel, not just tours. Five determine the quality of the experience more than others:
The range spans from one-on-one to soulless mega-buses of people crammed like cattle in a stockyard. I won’t get into it, but smaller groups are literally always better.
You have group tours, like Contiki, for young people on one end with Road Scholar for seniors. The good stuff — like Intrepid or Blue — falls somewhere in the middle.
Are the planned activities just the usual TripAdvisor top-tens or do the operators include for more offbeat experiences?
Tours span from general interest to very niche, such as food + wine, archaeology, distance cycling and so on.
How much of the tour is comprised of unplanned time for exploring independently?
All tours should offer four benefits to any traveler. If they don’t, they’re garbage.
Check to verify the things you want to see are on the list of tour inclusions. Some shady operators will take you to the one or two biggest things then infill with lots of other little obscure ones. Then when you arrive and look more closely at you options, you discover most of the best activities incur a supplemental cost.
Make sure everything you want to see is included or at least factor the additional charges into your budget.
Opt for tours where most of your meals are not included. Tour operators tend to only select restaurants that can dependably accommodate large crowds, which means locals abandoned them long ago — if they ever went at all. Some number of meals is inevitably included on any tour, but look for those that leave a lot of opportunity to choose your own dining.
Chat up your tour guide to find out where they eat when they’re not ‘at work’ and maybe invite them to join you — and pick up the tab. It’s a nice way to thank them and get some quality time, plus you’ll enjoy a guaranteed stellar meal and probably get charged less.
Government-certified guides tend to cost more, but they undergo training that results in a better experience. They’re also likely to earn more and feel less inclined to take visitors on high-pressure shopping excursions that pay them kickbacks.
If you’re traveling for a great length of time and have more flexibility, you’re likely to find better guides for less money after you’ve arrived at your destination. Most online booking websites are priced for western pocketbooks, but the local prices on the ground are often much lower. You can also negotiate more easily in person.
A handful of countries require visitors to remain with guides, including those listed here. Note that visitors are sometimes permitted to choose either a group or private arrangement.
There are also specific places in otherwise open countries where a guide is required. There are endless examples of these, but they include Hang Son Doong cave, the Inca Trail and Pripyat (Chernobyl).
There are countries where you could travel freely, but safety concerns make independent travel unwise. This is far from a complete list, but these are some of the big ones
Finally, there are countries where hiring a guide or joining a group overwhelmingly enriches the experience. In these places, the enormity of language barriers, hassles of dining or conducting transactions, complexity of transit, limited access or social isolation make a guide better all around. In these places, there’s also immense cultural richness that a visitor would likely miss without a guide.
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Yea, it’s just a name, email and nationality, but I’m sure there are people who would pay for it. My thoughts on that: fuck those people and fuck those fuckers who sell personal information to them. You’ll find none of that monkey business here.
If I get hacked and your info get stolen, I’ll shoot you a note to let you know. I don’t deal in passwords, credit cards or anything like that though, so there’s almost nothing for anyone to take.
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Domestic American air travel is a racket run by three major companies and a few smaller ones who effectively collude on prices to screw passengers and support their bloated executives and corporate structures.
Even regional jets, which are technically independent, are fucking death traps that I literally never, ever fly.
It’s not this way in other countries, because most people are sensible and see transportation as akin to a public utility. It’s therefore common to find flights on foreign carriers for under $100. I frequently see fares less $50.
Booking far in advance is therefore unnecessary, except of course in places where tickets sell out. Avoid the temptation to book months or weeks out if you’re just trying to save money. Not only will doing so lock you into dates you might regret, you may end up paying. Why? Booking sites now sniff for your computer’s location and display higher prices for foreigners.
Rude, right? Blame the mirror. We invented that.
First, some bad news for most Americans: automatic transmissions are as rare overseas as manuals are in the US. Unless you want to seriously overpay, make friends with someone who owns an old Miata and learn.
Second, anyone who wants to rent a car should obtain an international driver’s permit. This is easy — just 30 minutes at AAA.
When it’s time to rent, don’t get tempted by lower prices with small, local companies. Go with a big multi-national.
Understand your insurance situation through-and-through. Know the limits of your credit card’s automatic coverage and have a printout of the policy. If you can get a translated copy, even better. If you’re still in doubt after all that, just pay for their coverage.
Research the scams. Before you drive off the lot, walk around the vehicle and video record it. When you return the car, do the same. Also record yourself locking it and depositing the key in the night box if you return after hours.
If you get a notice from the rental company later saying you owe for damage or not returning the car, you can send them those videos with an E-vite to go get fucked. You might also copy tourist law enforcement, so they get fined to oblivion.
It’s tricky, but you need to basically study each country’s road laws and signs like you’re getting your student driver’s permit again. Most places have tricky rules, and they love to fine gringoes like us for violating them.
In Cyprus, for example, you can be fined for eating or drinking anything behind the wheel, even a Snickers. In Denmark, you’re legally required to look under your car before you get inside to ensure no one is underneath. In Spain, drivers with poor vision have to carry a spare set of glasses. Dirty cars are illegal in Russia, as is splashing pedestrians on a rainy day in Japan.
In some places, driving is really difficult. I pity any fool who tries to drive in Cairo. You can also very swiftly kill yourself on a German highway if you’re untrained. Driving at 120 MPH is far more complex than simply pressing the accelerator further.
Fare classes are highly inconsistent.
First class in one country is generally different to first class in any other. The same is true of second, third and so on. They vary wildly by country and system.
If it’s fiscally reasonable, I choose first for early mornings and overnights. They really are better, even just for security of your belongings.
The one time I settled for a second-class overnight, I had to physically fight a mouth-breathing Russian girl who was sweating vodka and wouldn’t stop burying her face into my lap to huff my underpants like Whip-Its. I wish I was making this up, but it’s true. I arrived sleepless, angry and ugly. It ruined my first day in Lisbon and I only had five. First class would have been worth the cost. Second class is my usual go-to. For shorter trips or anything after 9 a.m. I go second.
If I want an adventure, I go even lower. Some agents won’t sell those tickets to tourists though unless you insist.
Nomads and backpackers who don’t do the travel hacking thing usually buy cheap flights. Be careful of taking that too far.
For starters, you need to observe weight limits on baggage. In the US, no one gives a shit, but elsewhere they care. The care deeply. Never buy a ticket that forces you to pay weight overages.
Seats are also important, but not for comfort. I never take bulkhead or exit-row seats unless I pay for early boarding. Both offer less (or zero) under-seat storage, so being in a later boarding group puts you at risk of having nowhere to put your carry on — or as you’ll hear them called “cabin bags.”
I’ve even been on a flight where the attendant nearly made me check my personal item. I shut that down by threatening to create a scene and de-board, but I could have avoided it by paying $8 for priority boarding.
Countless people have asked if I used an around-the-world plane ticket for my first trip.
My simple response: Don’t ask dumb fucking questions. Also, no, I didn’t.
ATW tickets are nearly useless. They typically require you to book your stops in advance, so there’s too little flexibility. The fine print is also brutal and changes constantly.
Last time I researched them, the price was based on allotments of miles. The number of stops also changed the equation. All of them required you to choose a direction (east-to-west, for example) and none permitted travel in the reverse direction even slightly. Some airlines even insisted all departures had to occur from the same point as arrival, meaning if you traveled by land elsewhere, the airline penalized your mileage allotment.
I said airline there, but ATW tickets come come from a single carrier. Instead, you buy into an alliance, of which I believe there are still only three. Quite the lack of competition there.
ATW fares do lend themselves marvelously to itineraries where you go to a different city each month and make it the base from which you explore the region. This is something we’ll talk about later when we discuss hub-and-spoke travel.
If you have status with a particular airline, you may want to consider their ATW option — emphasis on ‘may’ — but be warned that flying everywhere robs you of some great experiences.
Domestic American air travel is a racket run by three major companies and a few smaller ones who effectively collude on prices to screw passengers and support their bloated executives and corporate structures.
Even regional jets, which are technically independent, are fucking death traps that I literally never, ever fly.
It’s not this way in other countries, because most people are sensible and see transportation as akin to a public utility. It’s therefore common to find flights on foreign carriers for under $100. I frequently see fares less $50.
Booking far in advance is therefore unnecessary, except of course in places where tickets sell out. Avoid the temptation to book months or weeks out if you’re just trying to save money. Not only will doing so lock you into dates you might regret, you may end up paying. Why? Booking sites now sniff for your computer’s location and display higher prices for foreigners.
Rude, right? Blame the mirror. We invented that.
The beauty of hub cities is the slow pace. How slow you take it will vary according to the number of side trips as well as your pace. If you commit to a month though, this introduces the possibility of renting an apartment. Even if you don’t plan to stay the full 30 days, apartment rental is generally very cheap. It can also make cooking easier, which also saves cash.
Cooking for yourself doesn’t have to mean eggs for breakfast and chicken dinners. You can dial up the adventure full throttle if you sign up for a greenmarket food tour and a cooking class right after you arrive. Not only will you know what to do with the local ingredients, you’ll eat better. Plus if you know what you’re doing, the vendors may screw you less, which will offset the price of the guide.
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